Step One:_____, Step Two:_____, Step Three: Profit!

At the end of every long, cold grueling winter, I say it. After 6 months of bundling up, being stuck indoors, darkness from 4pm to 8am, I say it. Whenever we get the first hints that spring is coming, that salvation is nigh, when melted snow floods the streets and a balmy 2 degree afternoon temps us out of our caves, I say the same damn thing:

We are never, EVER , doing that again.

Oh sure, we all fool ourselves while we’re in the throes of it, thinking winter isn’t so bad. Strap on a snowboard and have a couple of fun days careening down a hill. Creating hot versions of our favorite alcoholic drinks. Take to a flooded tennis court with skates and a stick, drinking coffee and Baileys and waxing poetic about “Canadian institutions”, and the “beauty of having four seasons”.

But I say to you friends, look around! See how much happier everyone was this week? Are you enjoying the bounce in your step now that spring is just about sprung? Notice how much less you want to strangle the person in line in front of you at the Starbuck who took the last chocolate caramel cake pop? It’s time to cast off the shackles of winter- for good! I present to you:

Operation Eternal Sunshine

Step One:

Find new country of residence. This is the trickiest part, because it has to be played exactly right. Our new country of residence must fill the following criteria:

Economy

  • Weak enough that we can all live like Kings, but with enough of a world consumer presence that I can get an ice-cold Coca Cola whenever I damn well please.

Politics

  • Progressive and Non-religiously driven government  OR
  • Unstable enough that we can eventually overthrow it and install a government of our choosing, but stable enough that there are roads, schools and no robust mercenary presence.

Climate

  • I know what you think i’m going to say- the hotter, the better. However, that would be short-sighted, and we’re smarter than that. We want a climate that is hot enough that my warmest article of clothing is a jean jacket, but cool enough that only spiders of a reasonable size live in our bananas.

Other Desirable Amenities

  • Soil fertile enough to grow a fruit tree
  • Ocean access
  • WiFi
  • Healthcare evolved to post- bloodletting or better.
  • Moderate population density (humans)
  • Low population density (snakes)
  • English-speaking a plus

Step Two:

One day, in the not-so-distant future, I will come for you. We will all move, en masse, in the middle of the night, to our new country. We bring pre-fabricated homes in on trucks, and set them up with the utmost stealth. Then, when our new neighbours wake up, we act like we were always there. Even act a little offended that they don’t remember you, even after that one time that you brought in their mail while they were away.

Trust me, this works. Acting like you were always somewhere, when in actuality you just showed up, is actually the secret to success.

Step Three: 

Profit.

 

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