Step One:_____, Step Two:_____, Step Three: Profit!

At the end of every long, cold grueling winter, I say it. After 6 months of bundling up, being stuck indoors, darkness from 4pm to 8am, I say it. Whenever we get the first hints that spring is coming, that salvation is nigh, when melted snow floods the streets and a balmy 2 degree afternoon temps us out of our caves, I say the same damn thing:

We are never, EVER , doing that again.

Oh sure, we all fool ourselves while we’re in the throes of it, thinking winter isn’t so bad. Strap on a snowboard and have a couple of fun days careening down a hill. Creating hot versions of our favorite alcoholic drinks. Take to a flooded tennis court with skates and a stick, drinking coffee and Baileys and waxing poetic about “Canadian institutions”, and the “beauty of having four seasons”.

But I say to you friends, look around! See how much happier everyone was this week? Are you enjoying the bounce in your step now that spring is just about sprung? Notice how much less you want to strangle the person in line in front of you at the Starbuck who took the last chocolate caramel cake pop? It’s time to cast off the shackles of winter- for good! I present to you:

Operation Eternal Sunshine

Step One:

Find new country of residence. This is the trickiest part, because it has to be played exactly right. Our new country of residence must fill the following criteria:

Economy

  • Weak enough that we can all live like Kings, but with enough of a world consumer presence that I can get an ice-cold Coca Cola whenever I damn well please.

Politics

  • Progressive and Non-religiously driven government  OR
  • Unstable enough that we can eventually overthrow it and install a government of our choosing, but stable enough that there are roads, schools and no robust mercenary presence.

Climate

  • I know what you think i’m going to say- the hotter, the better. However, that would be short-sighted, and we’re smarter than that. We want a climate that is hot enough that my warmest article of clothing is a jean jacket, but cool enough that only spiders of a reasonable size live in our bananas.

Other Desirable Amenities

  • Soil fertile enough to grow a fruit tree
  • Ocean access
  • WiFi
  • Healthcare evolved to post- bloodletting or better.
  • Moderate population density (humans)
  • Low population density (snakes)
  • English-speaking a plus

Step Two:

One day, in the not-so-distant future, I will come for you. We will all move, en masse, in the middle of the night, to our new country. We bring pre-fabricated homes in on trucks, and set them up with the utmost stealth. Then, when our new neighbours wake up, we act like we were always there. Even act a little offended that they don’t remember you, even after that one time that you brought in their mail while they were away.

Trust me, this works. Acting like you were always somewhere, when in actuality you just showed up, is actually the secret to success.

Step Three: 

Profit.

 

This Blog Post is Dedicated to my (Loving/Supporting/Giving/Kind) (Spouse/ Family/ Deity/ Cat)

I love interesting book dedications, mostly because book dedications tend to be fairly non-descript.  Authors thank their spouses, parents, children, editors, and their deity of choice. I get it, peeps need to be thanked! If I ever write a book (spoiler alert: I won’t), I’m going to dedicate it to the Oshawa Public Librarians who let me take out way more Sweet Valley High books at one time than I was supposed to. But until then, have a look at these awesome dedications:

“My first stepfather used to say that what I didn’t know would fill a book. Well, here it is.”– Tobias Wolff, ‘This Boy’s Life’

“I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book, except for the guy who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight because he thought I was being “Too Rowdy”. You’re an asshole, sir.”– Jenny Lawson, ‘Let’s Pretend this Never Happened’

“I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career advancement despite remedial language skills inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring a book.” – Pedram Amini, ‘Fuzzing: Brute Force Vulnerability Discovery’

“To my wife Marganit and my children Ella Rose and Daniel Adam without whom this book would have been completed two years earlier.”– Joseph J. Rotman, ‘An Introduction To Algebraic Topology’

“What can I say about a man who knows how I think and still sleeps next to me with the lights off?”Gillian Flynn, ‘Dark Places’ (Note: Gillian Flynn also authored ‘Gone Girl’- Foolish is the man who closes his eyes around that crazy lady!)

“For Colin Firth–You’re a really great guy, but I’m married, so I think we should just be friends.”Shannon Hale, ‘Austenland’

“For my parents, even though they never bought me a robot.”Prudence Shen, ‘Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong’

“To my brothers and sisters. What…a bunch of assholes.”Chelsea Handler, ‘Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang’

“Hi Dad *waves*”– Kiera Cass, ‘The Selection’